07-22-2004, 05:39 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
