[leucetios]

[indent][b]Aries (March 21 - April 19) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Taurus (April 20 - May 20) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims. [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Gemini (May 21 - June 20) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Cancer (June 21 - July 22) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Leo (July 23 - August 22) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Virgo (August 23 - September 22) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Libra (September 22 - October 22) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it? [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist? [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr." [/indent][/indent][indent][b]Pisces (February 19 - March 20) [/b]

[/indent][indent][indent]Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. [/indent][/indent]

[AssDragon]

those are funny.

here are some for the week:

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, you’ll hide your blueprints, because you can’t think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
It’s been three months since you’ve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operators’ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadn’t had the manners to add “please.”

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Technically, “filibusters” can only take place on the congressional floor. All you’re doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your friends have always referred to you as having an “old soul,” but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Despite changing your number a dozen times, you’ll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffin’ around his women.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You’ve always lived by the words of your father, who said, “Even if you’re only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.” Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You’ll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, you’ll actually be able to see all the empty pews.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You’re offered the chance to serve as “the most dangerous game” for a billionaire sportsman, but it’s canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.