08-20-2004, 07:02 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse
