08-10-2004, 12:39 AM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Beware of clams, today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware of Doug.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
Beware of clams, today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware of Doug.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
