08-19-2004, 07:43 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."
