08-18-2004, 06:43 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
