08-12-2004, 07:10 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
