[TyrionXavier]

Dread

Today is the first day of the rest of my life
And I couldn't care less
It pains me to see that my friends
Are all becoming older, but not wiser
One friend is a drug addict
One friend has three children
By different mothers
One friend has two children
By different fathers
One friend is an alcoholic
One friend does nothing but collect unemployment
Dread is the word used to describe
A longing,
A wanting,
A lack of hoping,
An unwillingness to continue
These are not feelings I possess
Yet I have a constant feeling of Dread when thinking about some of my
Friends.

-Tyrion Xavier

[Banana]

Just for clarity......is this a true story Ty?

[TyrionXavier]

Yup

[mad_hatter]

Take Note, a serious response from me to Ty

Not a bad poem, I would offer two points of (I hope) constructive criticism:
1) consider some puncuation to help the flow

     One friend has three children,
      By different mothers.
      One friend has two children,
       By different fathers.

Even if you don't like the commas, the periods stop the person from running on to the next line too quickly

2) I'm not sure I agree with your definition of Dread, and it broke the line of the poem for me. I'm not sure what word might work better there, but it might be worth looking for one.

A-

The last two lines are great

[Banana]

You're living up to your title, MH

[mad_hatter]

I like to play nice every so often so he doesn't ban me from the shoutbox.



Edit: Besides, me and my three kids got mentioned

[TyrionXavier]

Originally posted by mad_hatter@Jul 13 2004, 01:00 PM
Take Note, a serious response from me to Ty

Not a bad poem, I would offer two points of (I hope) constructive criticism:
1)  consider some puncuation to help the flow

[b]
     One friend has three children,
      By different mothers.
      One friend has two children,
       By different fathers.

Even if you don't like the commas, the periods stop the person from running on to the next line too quickly

2) I'm not sure I agree with your definition of Dread, and it broke the line of the poem for me. I'm not sure what word might work better there, but it might be worth looking for one.

A-

The last two lines are great [/b]

Note taken.

As for the punctuation, I deliberately left it out in that portion. It is meant to be read as one long strung-together sentence, spoken a quick pace without pause, as if the speaker is nervous about the foreboding sense of Dread that is yet to come.

That's the best thing about Poetry though, it's meant to be interpreted, there is no right or wrong.

[MarkyGman]

wait a second am i the one living off unemployment!?!? :lmao:

[TomFoolery]

[Devious]

Nothing like a good poop every now and then! :lol:

[TyrionXavier]

No you're not, Mark