09-15-2004, 06:19 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to mumble.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.
Good day to mumble.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.
