[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear Super Bowl Committee,

Move that fucking game to Saturday so we can have a goddamn party and not have to worry about going to work the next day.

Thanks

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear Credit Card Swipe Machine Makers,

If you are going to make me swipe my fucking credit card, don't make me take that shit back out of my wallet again when they ask me for my fucking four digit authorization code. Make the card where it swipes the authorization code, too.

Thanks.

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear Car Blinker Manufacturers,

Two things you might consider before some crazed gunman comes into your plant and starts shooting up the place:

1. Put a timer on a blinker. Nobody will have a blinker going more than, say, 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, have it just shut off.

2. Put a shock button in the seat and if a person makes a turn and doesn't have their blinker on, it sends enough current through their ass to smoke their shorts.

Thanks

[Blueeyedwoman]

Dear Dude Who Drove By Me yesterday while I was walking my dog and shouted rudely "PICK IT UP" just as I was bending over with a plastic bag. Are you blind, you stupid ass?

BIAB

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear Tampon Makers,

Could you put some kind of micro chip in those things so that we could maybe pick up a transmission of some kind. Just a small beep or blip or something on a cellphone or something. I mean, with technology what it is today, you'd think you could maybe point the antenna toward a crotch and text "period" and get a message back that says "Go for it" or "Greetings from Aunt Flo".


Thanks.

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear City Councils Everywhere,

I want everyone to know up front that I will never be walking a dog and picking up its feces and putting it any bags. You can adopt any city regulations that you want, but I'm just saying that isn't going to happen.

Thanks

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear Clothing Manufacturers,

There needs to be some kind of a size of clothes where you just stop making them. I mean, say a size 20 or something. Just don't make any bigger sizes. If these fat asses didn't have anything to wear maybe they'd think twice about grabbing another twinky or two.

Thanks.

[BIRD33]

Dear guys joking me for taking walks in softball,


Shit hurts alright?

Sin,

BIRD33

[Blueeyedwoman]

Dear City Councils Everywhere,

I want everyone to know up front that I will never be walking a dog and picking up its feces and putting it any bags. You can adopt any city regulations that you want, but I'm just saying that isn't going to happen.

Thanks

PICK IT UP

sin,

Blind asshole

[lookout below]

Dear person who used the gas station bathroom before me,

How the fuck did you spray shit on the walls? Were you dancing the Nutcracker with a nozzle in your ass? Seriously, it's not that hard to aim a dooker in the toilet.


Regards,
Pissing from a distance

[BIRD33]

Dear bowling alley manager,

When I'm drunk as hell and end up at a bowling alley I reserve the right to bowl through my legs, backwards or behind my back because thats just how I roll.I didnt mean to hit that bar that comes down to sweep the balls up and you didnt have to be such a dick about it.You serving me pitchers of beer and scolding me minutes later sent a mixed message.I probably won't bowl for another decade but I'd like you to show me a little respect next time.

Sin,

BIRD33

[Blueeyedwoman]

Dear Tennis Parents,

Yes your kid is improving dramatically! Yes, they are the most well behaved child in the universe! Certainly he/she has a fabulous chance to make it all the way to the top! Of course I love talking to you about him/her for an hour after the lesson is up and I'm now no longer getting paid for my expertise. No wonder you're so proud of (your little shit kid with zero chance to make it even onto the high school team.)

sin,

your child's instructor

[Blondie]

Dear people that rent limousines,

When you get in the car and act like a retard, it annoys the driver. I can tell that you've never been in a limo before because you're waving your goddamn arms and legs out the window. Nobody thinks you're a celeb and nobody cares that you're in a limo. Have some fucking class.

Thanks,
Blondie.

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear Television Show Schedulers,

Please get back to a normal routine of when shows are on. It used to be a regular pattern. A show was always on at the same time every week on the same night. We would get a season full of new shows. Then reruns in the summers. Then new shows again in the fall. Now it changes all the friggin time and it would be a full time job to try to keep up with it.

Thanks.

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear Parking Lot Designers,

When is the last time you saw 75 handicapped people go to a Walmart at the same time? Its fucking ridiculous. You have to park a half mile away to walk through the empty handicap spots right outside the fucking door.

Thanks.

[CT280]

dear rain,

you probably cost me 4 roundtrippers last night. thanks.


ct

[BIRD33]

Dear Chicks with mini-vans who drive to slow because they think they've got a baby einstein strapped into the backseat,


If it was legal I'd hunt you for sport.



Take care,

BIRD33

[WoolyGoat]

Dear ITers to remain nameless,

Stop writing letters to your "clients." No one cares about your job, so stfu.


Thanks,
everyone

[Flumper Barflusterbutt]

Dear School Zone Determiners,

20 mph? Are you fucking serious? More time is wasted going through school zones than watching dancing with the stars. If people are so stupid that they can't dodge a child at 30 mph, make them take a fucking test before you give them a drivers license every year.

Thanks.

[Blondie]

Dear Ronnie James Dio,

Please leave my backstage pass for tomorrow at will-call.

I'll pay ya back. (wink wink)

All my love,

Blondie