07-03-2004, 07:06 PM
The DARWIN AWARDS are finally out again! It's an
annual honour given to the person who did the gene
pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way, thus preventing them
from reproducing.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by
a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of
it. (And this guy looks brilliant compared to this
year's batch!
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and
he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and
fire burned his house
down,killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was
approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt,
white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared
that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber
hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to
one end of a hollow tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
other end was inserted into
his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of
his suffocation. Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of
his death to his family
very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they
decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of
their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around
their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was
found dead after he tried
to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 Foot
railroad trestle. County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a
bunch of these straps
together,wrapped one end around one foot, anchored
the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accosting Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the
cord that he assembled
was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the
rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate,
was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west
Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition;lights, power, etc.
After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company
were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of
the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everett Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at
the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed
to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum
in the machine. Much to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the
machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed
and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for
Sanchez, the height of the
ball washer was more than a foot higher off the
ground than his testicles
are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the
weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall,
and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other
testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing
of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To
add insult to injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was
rushed to the hospital
for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked
to leave the course.
NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because
the idiot didn't die,
but because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it. (No doubt he WISHED
he was dead at the time!
-----------------------------------------
annual honour given to the person who did the gene
pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way, thus preventing them
from reproducing.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by
a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of
it. (And this guy looks brilliant compared to this
year's batch!
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and
he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and
fire burned his house
down,killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was
approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt,
white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared
that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber
hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to
one end of a hollow tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
other end was inserted into
his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of
his suffocation. Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of
his death to his family
very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they
decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of
their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around
their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was
found dead after he tried
to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 Foot
railroad trestle. County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a
bunch of these straps
together,wrapped one end around one foot, anchored
the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accosting Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the
cord that he assembled
was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the
rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate,
was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west
Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition;lights, power, etc.
After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company
were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of
the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everett Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at
the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed
to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum
in the machine. Much to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the
machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed
and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for
Sanchez, the height of the
ball washer was more than a foot higher off the
ground than his testicles
are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the
weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall,
and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other
testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing
of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To
add insult to injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was
rushed to the hospital
for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked
to leave the course.
NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because
the idiot didn't die,
but because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it. (No doubt he WISHED
he was dead at the time!
-----------------------------------------
:fuckYou:
