Darwin Awards - Printable Version

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Darwin Awards - Devious - 07-03-2004

The DARWIN AWARDS are finally out again! It's an

annual honour given to the person who did the gene

pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the

most extraordinarily stupid way, thus preventing them

from reproducing.



Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by

a Coke machine which

toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to

tip a free soda out of

it. (And this guy looks brilliant compared to this

year's batch!



And the nominees this year in reverse order are:



7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of

getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,

mixed gasoline with milk.

Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and

he vomited into the

fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and

fire burned his house

down,killing both him and his sister.



6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the

basement of his home died of

suffocation, according to police. He was

approximately 6' 2" tall and

weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt,

white bra, black and

white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared

that he was trying to

create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also

wearing a military gas mask

that had the filter canister removed and a rubber

hose attached in its

place. The other end of the hose was connected to

one end of a hollow tube

approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's

other end was inserted into

his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of

his suffocation. Police

found the task of explaining the circumstances of

his death to his family

very awkward.



5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light

aircraft at low altitude when

another plane approached. It appears that they

decided to moon the

occupants of the other plane, but lost control of

their own aircraft and

crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage

with their pants around

their ankles.



4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was

found dead after he tried

to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 Foot

railroad trestle. County

police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a

bunch of these straps

together,wrapped one end around one foot, anchored

the other end to the

trestle at Lake Accosting Park, jumped and hit the

pavement. Warren

Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators

think Barcia was alone

because his car was found nearby. "The length of the

cord that he assembled

was greater than the distance between the trestle

and the ground"

Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of

death was "Major trauma."



3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It

seems that he and a

friend were playing a game of catch, using the

rattlesnake as a ball. The

friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate,

was hospitalized.



2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west

Texas noticed the smell of

a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the

building, extinguishing all

potential sources of ignition;lights, power, etc.

After the building had

been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company

were dispatched. Upon

entering the building, they found they had

difficulty navigating in the

dark. To their frustration, none of the lights

worked. Witnesses later

described the sight of one of the technicians

reaching into his pocket and

retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette

lighter. Upon operation of

the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse

exploded, sending pieces

of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of

the technicians, but

the lighter was virtually untouched by the

explosion. The technician

suspected of causing the blast had never been

thought of as 'bright' by his

peers.

AND THE WINNER.....



1. Based on a bet by the other members of his

threesome, Everett Sanchez

tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at

the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a

bad mix, Sanchez managed

to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum

in the machine. Much to

his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by

spinning the crank on the

machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus

wedging them solidly in the

mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his

threshold of pain, collapsed

and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for

Sanchez, the height of the

ball washer was more than a foot higher off the

ground than his testicles

are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the

weakest link.

Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall,

and one testicle was

plucked from him forever and remained in the ball

washer, while the other

testicle was compressed and flattened as it was

pulled between the housing

of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To

add insult to injury,

Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just

purchased from the pro

shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was

rushed to the hospital

for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked

to leave the course.

NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because

the idiot didn't die,

but because he cannot reproduce as a result of his

qualifying act of

stupidity, we have allowed it. (No doubt he WISHED

he was dead at the time!





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Darwin Awards - leeman - 07-04-2004

too many letters when i'm drunk

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Darwin Awards - Devious - 07-04-2004

Quote:Originally posted by leeman@Jul 3 2004, 05:12 PM
too many letters when i'm drunk

:lol: Had that problem last night

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Darwin Awards - Velvet - 07-04-2004

Love it especially the gas mask guy . Im thinking he was testing to see if his farts were a gas :lmao: But still the skirt and bra had to cause a huge laugh with the cops ....

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