06-30-2004, 09:02 PM
INSPIRED BY IRAQI HANDOVER, BUSH HOLDS U.S. ELECTION FOUR MONTHS
EARLY
Element of Surprise Cited As Bush Romps to Victory
Inspired by the early handover of sovereignty in Iraq, President George
W. Bush employed the element of surprise once more last night, holding
the U.S. presidential election four months early.
The election, about which only top Bush administration officials were
notified, went exceedingly well for the president, who carried all fifty
states and garnered approximately one hundred percent of the vote.
Mr. Bush's victory speech, which he had originally scheduled for eleven
P.M. last night, was at the last minute rescheduled to nine P.M., once
again capitalizing on the element of surprise.
In his speech, Mr. Bush admitted that he might have had a more
difficult time getting reelected if the American people had actually
been notified about the time and date of the voting, but added, "A win's
a win, right?"
Mr. Bush's second inauguration is slated to take place on January 20,
2005, but administration officials acknowledged that it could happen "at
any time."
"For all I know it has already happened," one aide said.
While the stealth presidential election seems to have cemented the Bush
administration's reputation for secrecy, one aide said that some secrets
were harder to keep than others: "For example, everyone knows how Paul
Wolfowitz gets his hair to look so great."
White House officials praised the performance of the controversial new
Diebold electronic voting machines, which successfully tabulated final
results from Florida before a single vote was cast
(ANDY BOROWITZ)
EARLY
Element of Surprise Cited As Bush Romps to Victory
Inspired by the early handover of sovereignty in Iraq, President George
W. Bush employed the element of surprise once more last night, holding
the U.S. presidential election four months early.
The election, about which only top Bush administration officials were
notified, went exceedingly well for the president, who carried all fifty
states and garnered approximately one hundred percent of the vote.
Mr. Bush's victory speech, which he had originally scheduled for eleven
P.M. last night, was at the last minute rescheduled to nine P.M., once
again capitalizing on the element of surprise.
In his speech, Mr. Bush admitted that he might have had a more
difficult time getting reelected if the American people had actually
been notified about the time and date of the voting, but added, "A win's
a win, right?"
Mr. Bush's second inauguration is slated to take place on January 20,
2005, but administration officials acknowledged that it could happen "at
any time."
"For all I know it has already happened," one aide said.
While the stealth presidential election seems to have cemented the Bush
administration's reputation for secrecy, one aide said that some secrets
were harder to keep than others: "For example, everyone knows how Paul
Wolfowitz gets his hair to look so great."
White House officials praised the performance of the controversial new
Diebold electronic voting machines, which successfully tabulated final
results from Florida before a single vote was cast
(ANDY BOROWITZ)
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