[halfasleep]

From the arf-hives...... :p ....


"The Ultimate Stress Diet "

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up
during the day.


BREAKFAST:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk


LUNCH:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie


MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce


DINNER:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars


LATE EVENING NEWS:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)


RULE FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar
are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat
more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part
of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

EXAMPLES: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and
Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie
leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the
process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

EXAMPLES: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed
potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food
color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity
and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the
calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

[halfasleep]

This has nothing to do with above.... from the arf-hives...




************************************************************




Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm
him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is
absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and
the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the @#*! out of college
students!"



*************************


On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the
students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $180.

"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How
much for a season pass?"