09-06-2004, 05:33 PM
A Wife's Story
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my
husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
nine times. I was really proud of myself
for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally
smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict
with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I
told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times,
then said, 'Oh, shit,'
cuckooed four more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table and farted."
____________________
Ice fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the
necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the
ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of
cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the
ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once
more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
___________________
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
No," he replied, "arthritis."
___________________
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but
only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant; the best NBA
basketball player; the Lakers need me; I can't afford to die." So he
took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton
said, "I am the wife of the former U.S President, a Senator from New
York, and a potential future president.. And I am the smartest woman in
American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second
pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm
a War Hero; a Senator from Massachusetts; and I am also going to be my
parties nominee for President." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger,
a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
well; I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The
girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag."
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my
husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
nine times. I was really proud of myself
for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally
smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict
with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I
told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times,
then said, 'Oh, shit,'
cuckooed four more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table and farted."
____________________
Ice fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the
necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the
ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of
cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the
ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once
more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
___________________
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
No," he replied, "arthritis."
___________________
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but
only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant; the best NBA
basketball player; the Lakers need me; I can't afford to die." So he
took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton
said, "I am the wife of the former U.S President, a Senator from New
York, and a potential future president.. And I am the smartest woman in
American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second
pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm
a War Hero; a Senator from Massachusetts; and I am also going to be my
parties nominee for President." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger,
a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
well; I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The
girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag."
I realise that I have a past to break with--an accumulation of inertia, wrong, foolishness, rot, junk. A great need of clarification, of mindfulness, or rather, of no mind. A need to return to genuine practice, right effort. Need to push on the great doubt. Need for the spirit. Hang on to the clear light.
Thomas Merton
