05-24-2004, 09:54 AM
Handy tips on making life a bit easier...
Weight watchers.
Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying
the fucking thing in the first place.
Smokers.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then
replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Small children.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its
throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Alcoholics.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Swimmers.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls.
Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag
every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
X-Files fans.
Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake
up in a strange place the following morning,having had your memory seriously 'erased'.
Binoculars.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Jet lag.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Anorexics.
When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Coathangers.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Sex aid.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes.
Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Loo seat.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Vegetarians.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Sex life.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Weight watchers.
Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying
the fucking thing in the first place.
Smokers.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then
replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Small children.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its
throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Alcoholics.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Swimmers.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls.
Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag
every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
X-Files fans.
Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake
up in a strange place the following morning,having had your memory seriously 'erased'.
Binoculars.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Jet lag.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Anorexics.
When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Coathangers.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Sex aid.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes.
Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Loo seat.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Vegetarians.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Sex life.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
