So I had to drop the brown kids off at the pool and when I was finished I noticed that one of them looked like the virgin mary. So I'm thinking Ebay fame and fortune here I come and split to go grab the camera and some "salvage" materials. In my haste I forgot to lock the bathroom door and when I got back someone else was in there....I wonder what it's actually like to get beaten unconscious with a used plunger while trying to take a shit.
I was at a bar the other night and this biker dood started hitting on my old lady. I confronted him on it and told him to lay off He said something like what cha gonna do about it man. I brushed it off till I had to take a piss. So I slipped out the side door when I went to take a "piss" and cut about 3/4 or the way through the drive belt on his bike. I went back in the bar and he was back hitting on my old lady again. I told the woman to go start the car and after she left I cracked his skull with an ash tray. I dashed out the door and into the waiting car and told the old lady to floor it. He came running out jumped on his bike and took off after us. We were going about 80 when his drive belt broke the rest of the way and sent him going end over end into a ditch. I made Mrs Bill turn around and I went and checked on him. He was in pretty bad shape and as I pocketed his spleen he muttered something like "hey lay off that's mine". I looked at him and asked what he was going to do about it.
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He's still funny, but not 'ha-ha' funny.
On one of my many trips to Mexico I slipped up and had a soda with some ice. Ice is frozen water, this was frozen Mexican water. So I'm out in the middle of no where checking out some ancient Myan ruins when I get that "feeling". You know that feeling. The I gotta shit now feeling and no matter how tight your asshole maybe there's no way your gonna hold this back. So I start frantically looking for a porta crapper or anything.....Nothing and I'm running outta time, fast...So I sneak off into the bushes and drop my drawers and proceed to spray last nights diner of extremley spicy food across some priceless myan hyroglifics (sp?)....either way here I am in Mexico, with my pants around my knees shitting on some priceless artifacts and I hear another tour group comming down the path...Now my mind cann't think of anything but my impending predicament and ultimately finding out what the inside of a mexican jail looks like. All the while I've got burning shit flying outta my asshole, which has started to dry heave at this point. Which was good because I was able to keep quiet long enough for the group to slip past and sneak into their group at the end. But No things would not be that simple...as I get on the bus to head back this old lady says "oh my what's that smell?" turns out I shit all over the back of shoes and had to sit and smell it on a two hour bus ride in 100 degree heat. back to the hotel.
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I call bullshit.......youve never been to mexico.
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if i had the points, i'd attempt a theft right now.
I might have told this one before...
So I was working m-f 8-5 for an architect and the x was working for AOL sat-wed 4-2. things started getting alittle funky...she would show up at 4-5am and say she went for a cup of coffee with co-workers. (bullshit that bitch don't like coffee) so I borrowed a buddies car and went to AOL to see what was up after she got off work. I watch her come out with some dude who got in her car with her. I followed them to an apartment where the both went in. at this point I was crushed. so I went home. she came in about 7:30 that morning...it was sat. I played it cool till she went to work. I then had a fleet of pick-up trucks and friends come by and load up all my shit...I'd have paid money to see the look on her face when she came home to watch the vcr on the floor and sleep on a pile of her dirty clothes.
I have tons more....if ya'll wanna hear them.
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