05-10-2005, 08:15 PM
those are funny.
here are some for the week:
Aries: (March 21âApril 19)
Youâre a true role model for young people, the way youâve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
Taurus: (April. 20âMay 20)
Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, youâll hide your blueprints, because you canât think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.
Gemini: (May 21âJune 21)
Itâs been three months since youâve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operatorsâ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.
Cancer: (June 22âJuly 22)
You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadnât had the manners to add âplease.â
Leo: (July 23âAug. 22)
Technically, âfilibustersâ can only take place on the congressional floor. All youâre doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
Virgo: (Aug. 23âSept. 22)
Your friends have always referred to you as having an âold soul,â but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.
Libra: (Sept. 23âOct. 23)
Despite changing your number a dozen times, youâll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffinâ around his women.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24âNov. 21)
You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22âDec. 21)
Youâve always lived by the words of your father, who said, âEven if youâre only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.â Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22âJan. 19)
Youâll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20âFeb. 18)
You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, youâll actually be able to see all the empty pews.
Pisces: (Feb. 19âMarch 20)
Youâre offered the chance to serve as âthe most dangerous gameâ for a billionaire sportsman, but itâs canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.
here are some for the week:
Aries: (March 21âApril 19)
Youâre a true role model for young people, the way youâve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
Taurus: (April. 20âMay 20)
Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, youâll hide your blueprints, because you canât think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.
Gemini: (May 21âJune 21)
Itâs been three months since youâve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operatorsâ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.
Cancer: (June 22âJuly 22)
You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadnât had the manners to add âplease.â
Leo: (July 23âAug. 22)
Technically, âfilibustersâ can only take place on the congressional floor. All youâre doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
Virgo: (Aug. 23âSept. 22)
Your friends have always referred to you as having an âold soul,â but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.
Libra: (Sept. 23âOct. 23)
Despite changing your number a dozen times, youâll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffinâ around his women.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24âNov. 21)
You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22âDec. 21)
Youâve always lived by the words of your father, who said, âEven if youâre only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.â Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22âJan. 19)
Youâll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20âFeb. 18)
You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, youâll actually be able to see all the empty pews.
Pisces: (Feb. 19âMarch 20)
Youâre offered the chance to serve as âthe most dangerous gameâ for a billionaire sportsman, but itâs canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.