[Hambone]

The Voodoo Dick...

Ralph was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife, Irma, was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

While Ralph was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, he started talking to the old man behind the counter, explaining his dire situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ..." and then he suddenly stopped.

"Except what?" Ralph asked.

"Nothing, nothing," stammered the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" demanded Ralph.

"Well, sir," relented the old man. "I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'Voodoo Dick!'"

"So what the hell is a Voodoo Dick?" Ralph asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

Ralph laughed, and said: "Big deal. It's like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Dick, the door."

The Voodoo Dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo Dick, get back in your box!"

The Voodoo Dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said Ralph.

First, the old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered it for $700.00 in cash.

Ralph took it home to his wife, Irma, and told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say: "Voodoo Dick, my pussy."

He then left for his trip quite satisfied that things would be just fine while he was gone.

After Ralph had been gone a few days, Irma was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She got it out, and said: "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The Voodoo Dick shot to her crotch and started pumping away.

It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but it just wanted to go in further...

Ralph had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Irma decided that she better go to the hospital to see if they could help. She quickly put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road.

A policeman, observing her erratic driving, signaled for her to pull over to the curb.

The cop asked to see her license as she began to tell her strange tale. He then asked her to step out and take the breathalyzer test.

Gasping and twitching as she stood next to the car, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a Voodoo Dick was stuck in her pussy -- and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her flopping about, and smiled sarcastically: "Yeah, right lady... Voodoo Dick, my ass!"