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Real answers on Resumes - Printable Version

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Real answers on Resumes - Velvet - 06-14-2004

Thanks to the researchers who went through thousands of Resumes to get
us the following kicks.

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed
in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

01. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
02. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
03. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
04. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
05. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
06. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
07. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
08. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
09. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved.
No commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one
and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those
conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Here are the ones that didn't make the editorial cut.

27. Reason for leaving prior employer: I burned down the kitchen,
but it wasn't my fault.
28. Reason for looking for a new job: I want a fresh start with
people who don't already know me.
29. Have you ever been convicted of a violent crime?: I don't
think I have to answer this.
30. If you insist, I can provide references.
31. My doctor says I need a window office in order to keep a
personal condition under control.
32. My salary requirements are non-negotiable. You need me more
than I need you.
33. I am hardly ever late anymore.
34. I have tan years experience as a proof reader.
35. I cannot do any heavy lifting. My doctor says that I really
am allergic to work.
36. Do not call my home. My wife doesn't know that I want to move
to Montana.
37. I have either three or four children, depending on when you
count.
38. You can't talk to my old boss because he's dead.
39. I used to work for your wife's company, but I had to leave
because she liked me too much.
40. I want to work for you because my current job gets too many
bomb threats.
41. I want a job where I get to pack a gun and learn how to shoot
it fast.
42. My last employer did secret government contract work, so they
will deny knowing me.
43. I want a job that is closer to the hospital.
44. I worked for you once before, but I am sure that you won't
remember.
45. I can be available for an interview at my convenience.
46. I had to leave my last two jobs because I was getting sexually
harrassed.
47. I want to change to a career that doesn't require bullet-proof
glass windows.
48. I want to transfer to your department because you are closer
to the cafeteria.
49. I am looking for a non-supervisory position. I am fed up with
managing a stampede of idiots.
50. I know that you said that you weren't hiring. I couldn't tell
if you meant it.
51. I hope that you guys don't have some idiotic policy against
pets in the office.
52. My home number is unlisted, but you can still call me there.
53. Does your health insurance benefit require a drug test?
54. I want a job with no responsibilities so I can't disappoint
anybody.
55. This is my husband's resume. He says that you wouldn't hire
him if he applied. Is this true?
56. One of my requirements if I came to work for your firm is that
I need two parking spaces.
57. My dad says that you guys are always hiring so here is my
stupid application.
58. I need to eat seven meals a day. I hope that this is not a
problem for you.
59. I have no references because nobody knows me.
60. Do you know if any of your other employees commute from near
the prison and want to car-pool?

Real answers on Resumes - NCSCOTT - 06-14-2004

54. I want a job with no responsibilities so I can't disappoint
anybody.


I hear this one all the time. :o

Real answers on Resumes - Banana - 06-14-2004

Quote:I hear this one all the time.

Or you use it all the time?

Real answers on Resumes - xoxmelxox - 06-14-2004

:lmao: that cracks me up

Real answers on Resumes - Undeadcannibal - 06-14-2004

Some people shouldn't reproduce.

Real answers on Resumes - Suicide Jim - 06-14-2004

and some should be flat out killed.