Redneck Rules of Etiquette - Printable Version

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Redneck Rules of Etiquette - Hambone - 05-26-2004

General

- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.



Dining Out

- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.



Entertaining in your home

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything pre-
pared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how
good his manners are.



Personal Hygiene

- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods.



Dating (outside the family)

- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.

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