My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!)

My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!) - Printable Version

+- InsaneTrain Forums (https://insanetrain.com)
+-- Forum: General (https://insanetrain.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=4)
+--- Forum: General Forum (https://insanetrain.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Thread: My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!) (/showthread.php?tid=34933)

My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!) - Undeadcannibal - 03-01-2006

Before you read this. I am planning to add much more content, such as stories, interviews, and pictures. Anyway, I present to you my rough(VERY rough) draft:

--

Many people a day rape something, you could rape at Counterstrike, or at the Day Care Center, but what about those 2 out of every 10,000 people who lust for something more...who want to rape something that was once thought inconceivable to mankind?

Approximately 1.5 years ago, I had the idea-no, the epiphany to rape a lawnmower. I wrote the guide, and since then, society has been more accepting and friendly. I return once more, to offer you a window, a door, and escape you may need from this bleak reality we call life. In this FAQ I will cover the following:

Rape - the basics
Why rape?
How to rape:
Mountains
Water
Sharks
Tornados

RAPE - THE BASICS

Now, many people who have raped before know these by now; so if you've already raped something, feel free to pass this section by.

Now, the first method to raping is to hide, you need to know how to stalk before you can rape. I suggest you play Metal Gear Solid, so as to learn how to maneuver a cardboard box.
If you are going to rape something, make sure to boast this fact as much as possible. Not only with this help pump you up, so you've got more wood then a Lumberjack in heat, but it will get many people to come watch you rape live, which may perhaps get you superstardom.

Now, if you are going to rape a person, do the exact opposite. Tell nobody, and wear a mask. However, since raping people is not the emphasis of this FAQ, I will unfortunately have to save this part for another time.

In summary, when you want to rape something, remember these steps:
1) Boast - Tell people about it
2) Stalk - Make sure to follow your target in secrecy.
3) Rape - Make sure you actually rape it. Many people forget this step, and sink into perpetual C- class stardom.

WHY RAPE?

Throughout time, people have raped things, it's a natural urge men have, and sometimes women do it, but that's more acceptable if she's hot. Now let's face the facts, everyone rapes at one time or another! I remember once I was doing the laundry and I suddenly found myself raping a TV set. Rape is a natural occurrence, even animals rape. So next time you're at church, and they say rape is bad, well then by the Dawn's Early Light, stand up and rape in the name of freedom!!

HOW TO RAPE:

~ MOUNTAINS-

Mountains are tricky. At first glance, one might conceive that they would actually be difficult to rape, this is completely wrong. I chose to cover mountains first because they are actually easier to rape than anything. The only rape performed with more ease is AOL's of hapless NetN00bs' savings accounts.

To rape a mountain, first follow it on it's daily routine, I suggest doing this for a week at least, to ensure that there are no varying schedules during the week. Once you have the schedule down, slowly walk up to your mountain target, and offer to by it a drink in the bar. Before the mountain can answer, plow it over, and hump like Bob Dole on a bottle of Viagra. In this stage, penetration isn't important, because you're raping it anyway. Now, I suggest you keep this up until you finish, because police are highly prejudiced against the forces of nature, and therefore will take a long time to come to a mountain rape to break it up, and that only occurs if you're doing it outside an Urban Outfitters store, since Mountains in packs can be very obnoxious.

After you've raped the mountain, make sure you let out a barbaric yawp, one of your choosing, "Leeroy Jenkins" Is a popular among newer rapists, with older rapists more preferred to say "Back in WW2 I once stormed the beaches on a...etc, etc." After you've raped a mountain, you can call yourself a new rapist. Word will spread fast of your raping prowess.

WATER-

Raping water is a pretty big undertaking. Before you rape water, you need to consider how much of it there really is on Earth, and how powerful it can be. I suggest you start small, on, say a pond at first, before you begin to prey on Oceans and Seas. Many people forget that very basic principle of raping water. Now, raping water is both fun and recreational. I usually just walk around the woods until I spot an unsuspecting body of water. I sneak up from whatever position I feel, and usually just dive right into it. It is a good idea to get yourself in to a degraded mental state, so you can thrust and punch furiously, because if you get to a system in water rape, you may end up swimming. After finishing, always threaten the water, the traditional

âTELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS AND IâLL KILL YOU!!!â

Works well, but if you can, always be more creative. Involve as many gory depictions as possible, because water is very squeamish. In fact, a professional water rapist caused the Tsunami that rocked the world a little while ago. Always go into water rape hoping to attain a greatness of that level. Raping water is often compared to eating Pringles: âOnce you pop, you just canât stop!â I donât suggest you do, water rape is very healthy, and itâs what led Christ himself to gain the powers he did.

SHARKS

Sharksâ¦are very hard to rape, possibly harder than tornadoes. Iâve raped a lot of sharks in my time, and itâs only fun afterward. Sharks usually travel alone, so the only problem is sneaking up on them. Unfortunately, a Cardboard Box wonât work here. I suggest a shark suit, or stealth camo. Raping a shark takes a lot of skill, and only four people in the world can do it perfectly: Conan OâBrien, Samuel Jackson, Vin Diesel, and Captain Planet. LUEshi doesnât rape sharks, he rapes time and space itself, so thatâs why LUEshi is not on the list.

There isnât much to say about raping sharks, itâs a very unknown subject. Make sure you bring a lot of them biscuits from Red Lobster. Nobody can resist them, unless you are in the waters of china. Communist sharks blow. Donât rape them.

Penetrating a shark is the easiest part. You can stab a hole, go for the gills, or pretty much any orifice besides the face. Sharks + Oral = Eunuch. Probably the best part about raping sharks is the penetration of the cartilage, and the feel. Gills may be sharp on the pee pee, so watch out!

TORNADOES

Tornadoes are mother natureâs perfect prey. Tornadoes can be compared to a bitchy Latina woman. They are big, loud, and hard to ignore. The main reason anyone would have to rape a tornado would be to prove that the elements are your bitch, and that you can rape what you want, when you want. Iâve raped my share of tornadoes, and I must admit, the winds swirling around my junk feels absolutely wonderful. The only problem comes after climax. When you blow a load into a tornado, it will swirl around, and 9 times out of 8, smack into your face.
Tornado rape stems back to the days of Greek Mythology. It all started when Hercules set out for America with Christopher Columbus. He found a tornado in Olympus that was the biggest, latino-est bitch ever. So he bent that fucker over and raped it to hell. Then the british invented tea, and alaxander the great discovered the telephone.
So, from the story above, we can conclude that raping tornados is a good thing. It is productive for the society, and is the source of all modern technology. I would rape a tornado right now if I wanted to. But I donât. So Iâm not gonna.

My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!) - Undeadcannibal - 03-01-2006

LAWNMOWERS

Lawnmowers are a fine industrial achievement of the 20th century. They can take care of almost anythiing nowadays: Long grass, loose sticks, garbage in the yard, rocks, and even assholes who know too much! However, there is one feature on lawnmowers that is heavily overlooked: The sex factor.
Many a person has run a mower through it's life without even so much as a gesture to sexual activity. It is indeed a sad thing, and I am here to help America-no, the World through this tragedy. Now to begin...

Lawnmowers can be sexy, yet dangerous, just like a bond chick. Most people wonder how you sex a lawnmower, and where you'd put your wang. Popular belief is between the blade, on the bottom, or into the bag feed. This is very wrong, as you cna lost your little buddy VERY easily this way. It would also be wrong to put your penis in the gas tank. Gas + peehole = PAIN. But...there is another way. The oil tank. At first it will be a tight fit, you may need to cut it you adjust. The oil will be cold if you haven't run the engine, I suggest letting it go for 7 minutes, and then trying her our. Make sure you remove the spark plug, as well, we don't want our precious lawnmower being activated if you get too into it. The first slide in is the roughest, but as the oil coats your man staff, it will become easier. She may purr a bit, this is to be expected, if you're really good, like Chuck Norris. Lawnmowers need not be raped, since machinery is the whore of mass production. They accept it in any oriface, but I reccommend only the oil tank.

In my time, I've probably had relations with 20 or so mowers, and 12 tractors. I prefer mowers to tractors, but I know some people ('sup BBA) like bigger frames. The most notable Lawnmower fuckers are: Chuck Norris, Bob Saget, Llamaguy, and Mr.T

Undeadcannibal's Guide to Rape, chapter 2

Volcanoes - Volcanoes are very similar to mountains in that they are on earth, and are mostly hard and rocky. However, volcanoes have some really hot stuff inside them, and it isn't semen, that stuff is called lava. Lava only makes good lube for godly men, and since most of us aren't godly, we shall try to refrain from total immersion in the lava. however, since the majority of Volcanoes are male, It will make you kinda gay to sex them.

Anyway, to rape a volcano, you need to hit it with a truck, preferably a 4-door, since the doors are where the damage is counted. Once the volcano is dizzy, dig a hole with a shovel, or just thrust a new one anywhere you want, Volcanoes are big, fat sluts, and should never be allowed on the internet.

Usually when Vin Diesel rapes a volcano, his bites it's ear off, and fucks the wound. You may or may not try this, it really comes down to a matter of preference.

Well-known Volcano rapists: Chuck Norris, Dancin Jesus, Levar Burton, Alexander Hamilton.

FIRE - Fire is one of the harder things to rape, like a blender, or a Thought. Raping fire will require an accelerant, and I suggest you place the accelerant on a sensual location that is not your body, like a terrorist, or a couch. Once your sexy location is lit, mount it on all fours, and thrust like a mad beast into the flame part ONLY. Contact with the sensual fire accelerant will mean you've missed.

If your penis becomes a crispy black color, you have experienced a side-effect called "Marshmallowing" This doesn't heal, and probably means you'll be stuck doing scary porn (if lucky) or still raping fire. This isn't always a bad thing, since the burning might cause a rapid release of endorphins directly durin ejaculation, causing an unforgettable climax.

Well-known Fire rapists: Bruce Lee, Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris, Tony Ja, John Q. Adams, Arnol Schwartzenegger.

CHUCK NORRIS - This is added for both your protection and mine. It is HIGHLY reccommended you do not attempt to rape a Chuck Norris. This is because by the time you're ready to rape him, he's already raped you. Even in soviet Russia.

My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!) - Undeadcannibal - 03-01-2006

SPACE
To rape space, you will need an open mind. Space is all around you, everywhere, just begging to be raped In order to rape Space, you'll need a lubricant, and some sensual candles. Lure space in like you care about it, then deck that bitch with a phone book. Once you have space on the floor, just start wildly fucking the air. You may not feel like you're fucking space, but trust me. It is not reccommended to rape space in the prescence of others, for they may be closed-minded commies, and you may be jailed.
FAQ's of space rape:

Q: HOw do I know when space is in my striking path?
A: Trust me, she's there...fucking whore....

Q: I've phone Book'd Space, and she's down for the count, where do I do sex?
A: Everywhere you want! That's the joy of rape!

Q: I went to rape space, but I missed and fucked my stove, now I've got 3rd degree penis burns, and space called the cops on me. What do I do?
A: For the burns, read the guide to fire rape, as for the rest, no worries! Nobody will believe space!

Famous Space Rapists: Ben Franklin, George Jefferson. Al Borland, Bob Barker.

WOMEN
Women, are similar to men, but they have a Wo in front. This Wo gives them a rack, and a vag. These are good places for regular sex, but to rape a woman, you need to really use your noodle! There are many different ways to rape a woman, and here is a list!

-Belly Button: The belly button is a short entrance, and usually too small for your penis, but don't underestimate the power of the dong! If you thrust hard enough, it'll feel good. Trust me. When raping a belly button, you need to yell. A lot. This gets the woman into it, and can give you a whole lot more fun.
Famous Belly button rapists: Jam Master Jay, Solid Snake, Kerry King, Orlando Bloom, George Bush Sr.

-Ear canal: The ear canal isn't really meant for a penis, but it's a terrific place to blast a load! I suggest raping another entrance, and then shooting some juice in her ear. Women will love this, no matter what they say. Common courtesy is to provide a box of Q-tips.
Famous ear canal rapists: Mr. Rogers, Mr. T, the Kool-Aid Man, Dr. Zhivago.

The Back of the Knee: The back of the knee is a great place to rape someone, because they can't kick you. If you have some lubricants, that would most likely double the fun. If the woman gives you any trouble, smack her smart mouth with a telephone. that usually teaches them.
Famous Back of the Knee Rapists: Lyle Lovett

Now that explains where to rape, but to do that, we actually need a woman present. To get a woman to show up at your house, I would suggest you pretend it's a Bed Bath and Beyond. Women cannot resist them, and will gravitate towards one every chance they get. You can also run out on the street and grab one, unless you live near a Gym. Muscular chicks have male parts.

PRESIDENTS
The President is an elusive creature, and under 60 occupy the US to this day. To catch one alone would be a task, but to rape one, that would be a dream! Presidents usually hang out in offices in the region of Washington DC. I'll leave the catching up to you, but I will tell you how to rape one.

Now that you have your president, look at the back, notice there is no anal port. this was sealed off in beta testing with a large metal rod. Do not remove this rod, as it is connected to their brain. Presidents DO have penises, but they tend to be stuck in a state of flaccidity. Getting a president erect is like getting Rosie O'Donnell to look hot. It's not happening. However, if you look at the back of the head of a President, there is a vast opening, which usually gathers dust, but today we're gonna get some body movin' going!

First, squeeze a lemon in the president's head hole, this will make sure he doesn't get pregnant. Then slowly work your penis into the back of the head, you will notice it feels smooth, like a dolphin, or a really smooth shower curtain. The smooth feeling will increase if you use the following lubricants: spaghetti sauce, KY, motor oil, WD-40. Any other lubricant will kill the president, resulting in a time paradox. The President is a very submissive creature, and once you're in, you're in.

The secret service may cause a problem, but as long as you're plowing the president in the head, they won't try anything. On the dismount, I suggest you pull out and spray at the crowd, because there will be a crowd, guaranteed. If anyone tries to give chase, they will slip on your load, and die instantly. This ensures a safe President Rape.

Famouse President Rapists: Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Bruce Lee, Evander Holyfield, Butterbean.

GTA3 SENSEI (Luelinks user who wanted to be included)

Gta3 Sensei is a person who is easily raped. He can be fooled by dressing up like Chuck Norris, and walking in front of his path. Gta3 Sensei will immediately think of raping Chuck Norris, and he will bend over, because all who think of raping Chuck Norris on sight, will be instantly raped. While bent over, you may mount at your leisure. He may try to fight back, so bring a baseball bat.
Famouse GTA3 SENSEI RAPISTS: Uncle Charley, undeadcannibal, Indiana Jones

TIME
Without a proper Tesseract, time will prove a hefty bitch to rape. First, we need to lure time in. I suggest setting all your clocks to the wrong time, so she will come to watch you. Usually we never see time watching us pee, but we do now! Once you find time watching you pee, throw a stool at her through the window. Raping time is more important than glass protection right now, and the sacrifice is worth it. Once you've clocked her in the head, bend her over, and get some anal. I really suggest doing this, because nobody has yet, it's like a sweet peach waiting to be penetrated!
A good point to raping time is to gently slide in between the hours, and make the minutes worth it. Once you've finished, she'll probably slip away, since time sex makes you tired.

WARNING: TIME SEXING CAN CAUSE TIME TRAVEL! Once my friend Jake raped time so hard he ended up in the colonial era, and had to rape reality to get back. Since you can only rape time once, make it worth it, but don't make it dangerous!

FAMOUS TIME RAPISTS: Samuel L. Jackson, OJ Simpson, Kurt Russel (during the filming of Escape From New York, not the other movies), Mario Batali.

LUESHI
To rape a lueshi may cause a Time Paradox, and you'll have to reboot with F8 in safe mode. Just be sure you're prepared to do so!
Raping LUEshi is near impossible, he is the final boss of rapes. The reason Mario rides him is to protect his ass, because they both have 99 lives from the glitch in world 8, they are almost undefeatable. The trick to defeating them is to wear cardboard box. They usually don't detect you, and you can sneak up and snipe Mario. The only problem is the AI will catch on eventually, and you may get caught. I still am unsure if it is possible to rape LUEshi, as his armada of Mass Carriers keeps me at bay, but you are welcome to try. the Konami code will not work here, only sheer skill.

Anyway, once you've got mario off of LUEshi, he reverts to Yoshi form, and is easily rapable by getting the sledghammer suit, and chasing him down. Deck him HARD, because Yoshi is damn tough, and then rape to your hearts content!

FAMOUS LUESHI RAPISTS: N/A(Llamaguy and Patamon don't count because you can't rape the willing.)

LUESHI HINTS
The easiest way to technically rape LUEshi would be to fuck up a couple lines of the ascii so it doesn't show up right, but that's what we call EASY MODE.

REALITY
Raping reality is a harder task than masturbating with a chainsaw, but not nearly as hard as raping LUEshi. This can be pulled off! First, drill a hole in your TV screen big enough for your penis. DO NOT INSERT YOUR PENIS. I just wanted you to ruin your TV. Anyway, you need to take a lot of yoga, because you need to touch your wang to your eye. This invokes the concept of reality, and you start to realize your surroundings. You will see existence, and you may begin rambling on like a stoner at 6 AM. (Ex: "dude, I see it now, we're nothing more than blah blah blah...") Please try to refrain from this, as it may get you killed. Once you have a concept of reality, examine your penis, and talk to it. If you blow a load, you've just raped reality.
FAMOUS REALITY RAPISTS: Jerry Garcia, the Menendez Brothers, Son of Sam.

My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!) - Undeadcannibal - 03-01-2006

I can do requests, if you'd like!

My guide to raping. The rough draft. (NSFW, text only though, I swear!) - Pong - 03-01-2006

Undeadcannibal Wrote:I can do requests, if you'd like!

Taco Bell's new Crunchy wrap supreme and the five digits (the hand), not together, cause that'd be weird...

Oh, and it's because a friend wants to know...