2004 New Employee Rules & Regulations - Printable Version

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2004 New Employee Rules & Regulations - Hambone - 03-31-2004

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes
and carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just
right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After
your second offence, your picture will be posted on
the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders category".

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size
people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

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