Monday Morning Funnies - Printable Version

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Monday Morning Funnies - Firemanz84 - 03-29-2004

1. Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, that was right.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.



2. With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization
has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous."

Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over
a woman wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair
and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it.

3. Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very
lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date
with Morris, the gentleman her daughter fixed her up
with.

Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a
very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a
long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie,
and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and
sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter,
knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it
once?"

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're
going to do it again, aren't you?"



4. Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect
his wife's test results.

The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a
bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the
samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another
Mrs. Smith was sent as well and we are now uncertain which
one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith says, "What do you mean?"

The receptionist replied, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested
positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We
cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith exclaims, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to
do now?"

The receptionist calmly replied, "The doctor recommends that
you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she
finds her way home, don't go to bed with her."



5. A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to score! And
to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when
you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers
or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff.
The more you give, the more you get!"

Next day the son showed up for his date with flowers and
chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased and she
rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her
chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,
hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and headed for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you
away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some
jewelry!"


6. A man was returning home one day early from his trip
schedules after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the driver if he would be a witness, as the man
suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to
catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both
tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights, pulled the
blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife
shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who
do you think paid for the Corvette I bought for you? Who do
you think paid for our new boat I bought for you? He did!"

The husband looked over at the cab driver, and asked, "What
would you do in a case like this?"

The driver smiled and said, "I'd cover him up before he
catches a cold."

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