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a few jokes for the masses..... - Printable Version

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a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

NORTH VS. SOUTH: A southerner was having his breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam when a northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sat down next to him. The southerner ignored the Northerner who, nevertheless, started a conversation.
"When you Southern people eat bread do you eat the whole slice?"
"Yep."
"We don't. Up North we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."
The northerner popped a bubble before continuing on with his questioning.
"Do you eat jam with biscuits?"
"Yep."
"We don't. Up North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and then send it down South."
The northerner smacked his gum incessantly.
"Y'all have sex up North?"
"Of course we do."
"And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use'em?"
"We throw them away. Why?"
"We don't. Down South we put'em in a jar, melt 'em down into bubble gum and sell'em to Yankees."

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

SIGNS, SIGNS. EVERYWHERE A SIGN: Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read, "Two Prostitutes. $50."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time another car passed with a sign reading, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read, "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter. $50."

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

MOTHER'S DAY MUNCHIES: A passerby noticed an eccentric-looking little old lady sitting on her front stoop and stopped to chat with her.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you looked, ma'am."
"Why thank you. I am happy. My son brought me this kickass blunt for Mother's Day. He's such a nice boy."
The old lady offered the passerby a hit off her spliff.
"Don't mind if I do."
After sucking in a couple of hits the passerby passed the 'cigar' back to her and continued with their conversation.
"What is your secret for having had such a long and happy life?"
"I smoke 4 packs of fags a day, sonny. And before I go to bed I smoke a big fat joint. Apart from that, I drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey every week and only eat fast food, McDonald's or Burger King. Two Big Macs and fries or a Whooper with onion rings. On weekends I pop any number of pills --- Xanax, Vicodin, Lortabs, Oxycontin, whatever I can scam from my doctor --- and, on top of it all, I do absolutely no exercise, except for lifting a drink glass up to my mouth."
"That is absolutely amazing, especially at your age!" the passerby exclaimed, an expression of shock and awe on his face. "Hey, by the way, just how old are you?"
"24."

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU: Two terrorists were in a lockerroom taking a shower after their bomb making class when one of them noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret that I cannot. It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand?"
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and then an old man with a white beard and top hat and wrapped in an American flag came floating out. He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' I said, 'No shit?'"
God Bless America!

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

IT WILL LEAVE YOU IN STITCHES: Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, Louisiana cajuns, worked together at the same place and both got laid off during America's economic downturn. So they went down to the local unemployment office to apply for benefits.
When the clerk asked him what his occupation was, Boudreaux answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher in his book. Finding it classified as 'unskilled" labor' she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Thibodeaux was asked his occupation.
"Diesel Fitter."
Since diesel fitter was classified as a skilled job the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week.
When Boudreaux found out that his friend was getting twice as much as he was he became furious and stormed back inside to find out why his buddy was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained it to him.
"Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" Boudreaux exclaimed. "I sew the elastic on da panties and then Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says, 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

CAN'T SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES: One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.
By chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit. The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish the rabbit asked for a crash helmet and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish.
"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things. After all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle with it.
For his last wish the bear thought for awhile then said, "I wish that all the bears in the entire world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the Harley's engine and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
VROOOOM!

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

SILLY WABBIT: A precious little girl walked into a pet shop and asked, in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees, so that he'd be on her level, and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit overthere?"
She blushed, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and said in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally givth a thit."

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

A DEAD GIVEAWAY: A woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
"Because you're ugly."

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL: A news reporter heard about a man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray twice a day everyday for over 50 years. She figured he'd be a good subject for a human interest story.
She watched him pray and when he turned to leave she approached him for an interview.
"Sir, what do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop and for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for over 50 years?"
"Like I'm talkin' to a fuckin' wall."

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN': The founder of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycles, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute.
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "So, you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycles, eh?"
"Yeah, that's me."
"Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise, spews out horrid pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur, somewhat offended, came back at God with this, "Excuse me, Devine Dude, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
"Ahh, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1, there's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2, it chatters constantly at high speeds. 3, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust and, 5, the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmm, you have some good points there," God said, "but hold on one sec."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, logged onto the Internet, typed a few words into a search engine, hit the enter button and brought up a page of results that He read to Arthur.
"It may be true that my invention is flawed but, according to the numbers here, more men are riding my invention than yours."

a few jokes for the masses..... - VitaminE - 10-20-2004

Nice run Bronco Billy - I like the Uncle Sam joke.

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

I got more....

a few jokes for the masses..... - Bill - 10-20-2004

personally I liked the north/south one.

a few jokes for the masses..... - leeman - 10-20-2004

Quote:Originally posted by Wyldbill@Oct 20 2004, 03:26 PM
A DEAD GIVEAWAY: A woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
      As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her said, "You must be single."
      The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
      "Because you're ugly."
[snapback]90173[/snapback]


Whack !!!!!!!!!!








And the drunk had to sit down and pee the rest of his life ...........