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Some of Jack Handy's - Printable Version

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Some of Jack Handy's - Banana - 10-12-2004

There are way too many to post all, but here are some.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then
I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw
fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty
good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for
a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably
be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel
it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then
everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end
up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that
your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the
moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might
call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
again, bat man."

Some of Jack Handy's - CodeWarrior - 10-12-2004

I have nothing left to post now.

sin

TyrionXavier

Some of Jack Handy's - Banana - 10-12-2004

Quote:Originally posted by CodeWarrior@Oct 12 2004, 01:11 PM
I have nothing left to post now.

sin

TyrionXavier
[snapback]85792[/snapback]
Dear TyrionXavier
Your Deep Thoughts are more like Brain Farts.
Sin,
Jack Handy

Some of Jack Handy's - asshat - 10-12-2004

I think it would be fun to be a school nurse and when a kid comes in and tells me that he just ran into the basketball goal on the playground and has a concussion, I could tell him. "Oh yeah, you think you have problems?" Then I could proceed to tell him about my grandmother in the rest home who crapped in the floor the last time I went to see her. That would make him think twice about wasting my time.